Thursday, April 30, 2009

Number 2

My child Boden has bowel issues. I can honestly say this is one thing that he has in common with his late uncle Matt. My brother used to take massive dumps. The kind that would not flush. The kind in which our whole family would marvel at together while Matt stood with pride... and probably a soar ass. 
During our family trip across the country, not by choice, my father was transfered from California to Georgia. My father thought it would be better (cheaper) for us to load up the Mercury Lynx, which he bought new with NO AIR CONDITIONING. Is was my father, mother, Matt (10-years-old), me (8-years-old), and our parakeet, Bird. It was mid August and we were about on day two of the five day track. 

Matt had gone number two and had issues with getting the newly birthed fecal matter to flush. We requested a plunger from the motel, but to no avail. The poop child wouldn't go down. Finally, my mother, who is in no way similar to Joan Crawford, had to take a WIRE HANGER and cut the turd in flushable pieces. 

Boden has been taking adult-sized poops since he was five months old. The ladies at daycare delivered more than their fare share of bowel births. The poor child has a phobia of pooping, because of his association with these labors. I've tried everything in the past: straight juice, live culture acidophilus, molasses, karo syrup, Miralax. 

The other day he told me in the morning that he had to go "poo poo." I scooped him up and plopped him on the potty. Nothing happened. Later that day, I notice he is sitting on the floor with his knees up with the concentration look that he gets when he is trying to go. Again, I scoop him up and run him to the potty. This time he relaxed enough to get things going, which made him cry. I too want him to get over his fear and with pride said, "OH, look at this big poo poo." It was huge.

He leaned over the toilet looking at the fruit of his labors and said, "that sure is a big poop, mommy. It's a... it's a troll bridge, mommy." 

Did I mention he is creative too? The lincoln log he just birthed was stuck in the hole and was leaning against the side making what looked like to him a troll bridge.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

20 Weeks

Kim Kardashian dressed up as an 80's pregnant aerobics instructor. Do you think that Reggie likes the look? Apparently, American Apparel is making a play for mommies who still are trying to keep their figure, which is nearly impossible for at least me to do while my body expands and bloats to uncomfortable proportions. Can't you just picture a group of gorilla-bellied mommas awkwardly shaking around to "She's a maniac - MANIAC - on the floor - and she's dancin' like she's never dance before..." 

The latter would be true as I forced myself to a Zumba class today at the gym. Some of you may know that I'm no stranger to dancing and I love the latin moves. As a pregnant girl, well it just doesn't look quite the same. The only thing that kept me there was the thought of being even larger and maybe just busting out wearing a sports bra and biker shorts with my baby gut. Surely, I would make all the other gals jealous...   of my confidence.

Some men actually find pregnant women sexy. That's nice that you feel that way after three months of us verbally abusing you. My theory is that the guy is just so hard up for some lovin' and has never seen their woman with boobs that big. I think my husband is still scared of me. He kind of acts very similar to how he was with a new born baby: very timid and unsure, loving, but is scared that he may do something that will disrupt some force that would ultimately cause him discomfort.

Today officially marks my 20th week, which means baby is half baked. This weeks food comparison is he or she is the same length as a banana. Mmmm... banana.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

19 Weeks

It's a heirloom tomato this week and there really isn't anything important to report about with the pregnancy. The sonogram is scheduled for next Thursday and I am debated taking a look at the baby's plumbing. We didn't find out with our first in part to my fear of being loaded down with clothes and not getting the really important stuff like bottles, butt thermometers, and other necessities. Now that I have all that stuff and am not freaked out by not knowing how to operate as a parent I feel less inclined to wait.

My intuition is that I'm having a girl. First, Brian is very good at willing what he wants. An hour after I found out I was pregnant the first time he immediately indicated that it was a boy. Second, the last time I was at the doctor the baby bicycle kicked the doppler... and it hurt. The kicking started in my 16th week. With all this abuse, it must be a girl. Third, the Chinese Gender Calendar thingee says it is. I just have to check one more person who has never been wrong at guessing... or I can just peek when I go to my doctor's visit next week.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Why oh why is this happening to toilet paper holders everywhere or am I the only person on the face of the Earth who chances upon the empty roll? I am beginning to believe that there is a phobia which exists in some people who actually fear taking the empty toilet paper roll off the holder and replacing with another. This is also the case with paper towels. I have purposefully purchased a similar holder to the photo, so that it is an easy slide off the hook type of holder rather than the old school "the spring inside may be so strong that the holder will spring apart and land into the toilet" kind of which I can understand slightly being gun shy of changing the toilet paper. The latter scenario has happened to me and yet I still change the roll.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

17 Weeks - Pomegranate

This week my baby is the size of a pomegranate. The site I usually check out is compares the baby's weight to a turnip. This was not appetizing, so after some more research and the endless food/fetus comparisons I found something sweeter and chock full of antioxidants. Ooh, I feel younger already.

Everything is good with the exception of the baby and my growing uterus is moving all my innards out of the way causing some uncomfortable plumbing issues. The belly continues its growth and just north the girls are trying to keep up as well, which is not all that disappointing to my hubby. 

The baby has already decided to make me aware of its bodily invasion. Funny, I do not remember around which week I felt Boden move. It seems weird to barely be showing, but have gymnastics practice in my uterus. I'm just hoping this isn't going to get too abusive toward the end. 

There are some other symptoms of pregnancy that manifest, but aren't long lasting. One of these, for me are foot cramps. The kind where you get into bed and your toe twitches at first. The next thing you know you have severe pain and your toes move to this gnarled position that you have to pry into it's normal form. I'm not sure if this is common for other pregnant women, but for me it is a nightly jump out of bed and put pressure on your jacked up foot until the pain goes away.
Another crazy symptom that I would like to bitch... ur... describe again has to do with the super strength nose. Pregnant women may suffer from sinusitis. This is because her blood volume doubles and for some reason it makes your sinuses dry out and I mean crusty stalactites in your nose. I've also noticed that this may be the only time in my life that I have discovered what the inside of my nose smells like.

Monday, April 6, 2009

The Masters Tuna-mint

This is the week of the Masters Tournament of which some pronounce, God knows why, as tuna-mint. If you talk about any other tournament it isn't pronounced this way and may confuse the masses of golf fans who flock to this... tuna-mint.

A friend has a great website dedicated to all the cultural aspects of our beloved Augusta and I invite you to take a gander at

Thursday, April 2, 2009

15 Weeks

My little Apple has grown to the size of an avocado this week. I don't think I'm going to dub the baby, Avocado. It just doesn't sounds "wholesome" and "sweet" like Apple, nor does it roll off the tongue easily.

It is widely known that pregnant women have super powers: super bitchy, super hair and nail growth, and a extremely sensitive nose. These powers are not necessarily benefits, but more of a curse such as a girlfriend of mine who was primping in the bathroom mirror as her husband came in to pee. She said she stopped and asked, "did you have Fruitloops for breakfast?" "Yeah." he replied with a blank look. It isn't the best novelty type of ability. I can only imagine later on, "can you guess what I had for lunch?"

I want to hit on the super smell. Boden is rewarded for good behavior at school with a Dum Dum sucker. The other day he received the butterscotch flavor. I'm not a huge fan and after I tell you this you may begin to think twice about it. This particular sucker smells like feet. Now, either you are saying ewe that's gross and I'm never going to eat that or you have just taken off your socks and are breathing in the butterscotchy aroma of your tootsies. Maybe you are doing both. This will now give men the excuse to say that their sticky feet smells like candy. No, there is just candy that smells like feet. Yuck.