Thursday, July 22, 2010

Write this down

It is no secret to my friends that it would totally freakin' rock if we could all join comedic forces and write a novel that would be turned into a major motion picture. We would base a fictitious story with real life and sometimes embarrassing experiences.

This week has been full of interesting quotes. Here's just a few ditties to chew on:

"I need sex so bad I can't stand it, but not enough to have sex with my ex husband."

After a lengthy conversation on how and when Edward turned Bella into a vampire, "I can't believe we are talking about this. Can we go back to talking about sex or something."

"Mary Kay ladies are the Jehovah witnesses of make-up."

"He's a nice guy, but I think he smokes the pot."

"Her email address on her resume is 'dashowstoppa'. What show is she stoppin' anyway? Good God, and yahoo is free."

"I saw a woman in hot pink hot pants and a toddler tee shirt that had hot momma bedazzled on the front. I felt like a construction worker staring at her. I almost ran into the person in front of me."

"That is a biggest mullet I have ever seen on a woman."

"Don't you cross your eyes at me. If I smack you on the back of your head your eyes can stick that way. Didn't your momma ever tell you that."

"Do you see that over there? (referring to a gentleman with a white man's afro) It looks like a topiary. I want to decorate it and put it on my front porch. Maybe a magnolia bloom or something seasonal for Christmas."

"You are going to hell. Well, you are going to be right there with me."

Monday, July 12, 2010

Dominican Blues

Golf husband and I planned a vacation. A real vacation with white sand, clear waters, a pool that was more like a lazy river, drinks with tropical fruit and little umbrellas. The passport was obtained, tickets bought, and childcare arranged only to have the trip cancelled five days before we were to fly off into paradise.


Friday, July 9, 2010

Choco-nom nom Oprah...

The other night I happened to come across an episode of Oprah where her whole set was made of Godiva Chocolate. It was an interesting 5 minutes of my time to watch how they made the walls, chandelier, and everything down to the logs in the chocolate fireplace to the chairs.

Don't get me wrong it was interesting and all, but I couldn't help noticing Oprah's demeanor. It was like bringing an alcoholic into a liquor store. Her eyes were glossy, pupils dilated, and she was gitty about how after they were done taping she and her audience were going to eat it. She was interviewing the "designers" and had to interrupt them speaking with comments like "it smells so good."

I wish that they would flash back to all the past footage to like the skinny Oprah wheeling out the little red wagon of fat. Really Oprah? You want to do that to yourself? Gorge yourself on all the rich chocolate?

She knows she not going to share and perhaps that's wherein lies my problem.

I'm also not a fan of whoever dressed Oprah that show. I mean, do you have make her match the chocolate?

Thursday, July 8, 2010


It is say to say that I and those around me like stupid humor. It makes life richer like adding Hershey's chocolate syrup to your ice cream or simply squeezing a shot into your mouth when you were looking for ingredients for dinner. Lately, our (or maybe just mine) humor is taking on a 9th grade level of maturity or immaturity.

So, I dedicate this post to Steve Carell from The Office for allowing us to laugh at normal everyday innocent comments and spin them into perversion by responding with "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID."

These are a few that were told or occurred today.

1. I was meeting with some men about getting spray foam put into the attic of my house and they were explaining that their competitors were cheating on the foam. "They are only spraying in 3 inches. We do 5 inches." TWSS! (I said it on the inside. My cheeks hurt as I fought the initial spasm of a smile trying to escape onto my face.)

2. A friend was helping her very aggravated boyfriend with docking the boat and he yelled to her to grab the pole and pull. TWSS! She then asked him what it was like to date a women with the mind of a man.

3. I was getting a cup of coffee at my favorite local coffee shop. The owner loves stupid humor too. His coffee selections are foreign selections such as Kenyan and Sumatra. The vanilla syrup I like to use I typically call "sweet." Today I asked for a medium, sweet Asian. He started giggling, so to make things more interesting I added, "leave room for cream." TWSS! He had to compose himself before pouring anything into the cup.