Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Toilet training

As you've seen from previous posts we are potty training Boden. Things were going pretty well. Yesterday Boden peed at a friend's house on our Columbia trip. A new success.

Yesterday evening after dinner Boden tells me he has to go potty. Okay, I strip him down, not because he likes to do his business in the buff, because he is going to take a bath afterward. He sits on the potty for about 15 minutes. My patience is decreasing with his lollygagging on the potty. I leave him half-naked in the bathroom while I go back to the kitchen and scarf down the rest of my dinner as the bath tub is filling. 

Bad bad bad idea. It seems Boden has decided to do his business on the floor. Okay, that's great. Disinfect and get him into the tub. A little humorous event.

Clearly, I will not leave him alone unsheathed again, but that's not the only potty training that needs to occur in the household. Now that I'm pregnant, I'm frequenting the bathroom in the middle of the night. Men if you LOVE your wife, then don't leave the frickin' seat up to the toilet. 

My eyesight is BAD, so much so that contacts do not correct it perfectly. I do well to feel my way around in the middle of the night. I have learned to change diapers without looking and other feats. 

So, last night when I had to pee at o'dark thirty, I could not tell the toilet seat was up. My husband had been sleeping in the other room, because he had contracted the funk, so I wasn't concerned about falling in. Anger could not describe the way I felt. Getting up and yelling a curse word and slamming the seat down with my foot did not erase the gangrene that was sure to be growing on my butt. It isn't that we don't clean, but the whole grossness of viewing misses of the past and not knowing what was lurking. 

I wanted to disinfect my butt and worried that the growing baby inside was going to be infected in some way. This wasn't a good way for me to fall back to sleep and I glared in the dark at my sleeping husband as I made my way back around the bed to my side. 

Men, put the effing seat down. It is a courtesy that will make your wife happy and your life easier.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


There comes a time where you just have to be honest and put yourself out there. I'm growing another human. For those of you suggesting all types of medicine during my funky weeks of insane amounts of mucus, sinus pressure, and sea lion coughing thank you. There was a reason I couldn't get all drugged up and that is because of this tiny little sesame-sized life inside my belly.

I have so much to look forward to in the upcoming months of the first trimester to which I dub the bitchiphase of pregnancy. Men you think pms is bad, bitchiphase is three months of everything you do gets on my frickin' nerves and sobbing at touching commercials. If you have ever experienced a hangover, then you have the same feeling that one would feel during bitchiphase: sour stomach, nausea, and fatigue. My last pregnancy I had many food aversions. It was odd to me how I could think of spinach and my mouth would water anticipating the vomit. Vomiting never came, so I just had the nausea, which I cannot decide if it would be better to vomit and get it out of the way. Grocery shopping is challenging to say the least.

I will keep you fried followers updated on the progress. The good news is my last pregnancy was quite humorous to me even though I looked very much like a flesh-tone version of Shrek. I'm trying not to think that far ahead. Although I still have flashbacks of me being so swollen that my feet looked like I was baking bread over my flip flops and the memory of my friend Ashley exuberantly sticking her finger into my leg and clapping like a three-year-old all wide-eyed and oohing at the silly puttiness of the dent she has just created that would stay in my leg for 45 minutes. 

However big I get,  I'm so rockin' the Buddha belly in a 'kini this summer. I am not afraid. I will be the one floating around with the fruit tray.

Expected human eviction date: 09-09-09. How cool is that for a birthdate?

Monday, January 19, 2009

Sick of Being Sick

Dear infection/virus or whateverthehell is making me feel like shit,

This is your notification of eviction due immediately. Pack up your mucus and exit the body. Tell you relatives to get out of my son. His body is not a vacation spot either. 

You've had your stay since Christmas and it is January 19th. I do not want to cough anymore. My back hurts from coughing. I'm tired of the lack of being able to breath and hearing my son suffer the same. The inside of my head aches from your destruction of my sinuses. I have tried Zycam, nasal steroids, Mucinex, Robitussin, and Tylenol. I have tried numerous sinus cleanses and it is a gross process. 

Leave my body. Leave my son's body. You are ruining my life. My house is a mess. My husband has been avoiding me, which I can't understand why you making me look so sexy and all. My son had to be x-rayed. 

We went to prompt care!!!!!!! Effing prompt care!!!!!!!! Do you know how much I hate that place?!!!!!!!!!! We waited for a hour and ten minutes to be seen and to be seen by a doctor that wasn't a MD!!!! No offense, but this guy was doing nothing to explain what was plaguing our bodies he kind of asked me what I thought I had. Huh? Excuse me Doc that is why I waited an effing hour is so YOU can tell me what the hell is wrong and stop your lectures about not having seen my son's pediatrician and my doctor. That is why I'm paying YOU on a Saturday.

There is no more energy for me to expend on coughing, snot, fever, etc.. I need to go on with my life without you. I've got other fish to fry and you are pissing me off with your neediness. 

Friday, January 16, 2009

My happy Boden

It is some harmless evidence of his early days of potty training that
 is so going to be a yearbook picture one day.

Here is Boden in his Cars pjs and wellies.

I swear there was no prompting by me taking this picture. 
He just does this kind of stuff.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Since the New Year has rang in I have had a horrible head cold. I think it wouldn't be this bad if it weren't for my visit to Michigan. My uncle turned to the heat up for us, because Georgia must be located at the equator and we are used to sweating while we sleep.

Since I have eaten the equivalent of a tractor trailer full of food since Christmas, snot, head pressure, and all I go to the gym. I go to the gym for the soul purpose of eating whatever I want.

The social dynamics of the gym are quite interesting. I never feel bored, because there is always such good people watching like the mom with the igloo boob job that gets a personal trainer to train her and her two 30-something-year-old daughters or the old guy with the comb-over wearing shiny lycra biker shorts with tube socks and black velcro sneakers.

I was in the abdominal workout area when I notice this girl. We will call her Katie. Katie is a cute little blond thing that is wearing a tee shirt, some running shorts, and what I hope are spandex shorts.

Katie must have been a cheerleader, a dancer, or a relative of Gumby. Katie was lying on the floor with her butt against the wall in spread eagle position for what seemed like an hour. Katie was so flexible that her feet were resting on the floor. She would point and flex her feat and then bring her legs together and do this scissor move. 

Really, Katie? Normally, those types of awkward positions and exercises are reserved for the aerobics room or in the privacy of your home. It wasn't jealousy that perplexed me. Although, I would love to have that flexibility, it was the danger. Doing moves like that in a gym full of meatheads on steroids? Katie, your likely to be mounted faster than you can say hurkey.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Kitchen Nuggets

I had to move out of the kitchen to introduce the new Electrolux washer and dryer.
This will allow to enjoy doing laundry more than washing dishes by hand. Even the men will want to do laundry. Electrolux is an awesome company that really researches the industry for appliance successes and tries to ensure those qualities in their appliances. They really are thinking of you. For instance, the doors are push to open. You've got a big load of laundry that is overflowing in a basket and do not have a free hand. In one butt bump your washer door is open and ready to load. Are you in a rush? No problem, with the 18 minute wash cycle for smaller loads. Got wrinkles? No problem, there is a steam cycle. Wave touch will intrigue the techie guy in your life. The washer has 22 different cycles and a 4.7cu. ft capacity. The dryer is a whopping 8.0 cu. ft capacity. These appliances are energy efficient too using less amounts of water and electricity.

If you don't care about all the technical stuff, then just look at that happy turquoise color. 

Monday, January 12, 2009

Things that make you go hummm and shut the hell up

My goal is to actually get dressed, fix my hair, and put some make-up on as to not look like a drug addict with my inherited dark circles under my eyes. Given that I will make a trip to the gym, I decided that I will tote along my clothes and such and get ready for the day after my workouts. 

Since the new year began my head is full of snot, which is dripping down my throat making my throat hurt and my ears are so clogged I have to listen to my headphones on like 75. This annoyance is making me a bit cranky. 

So, I'm in the gym locker room after working out dressed and ready to finish the head portion of my goal. There are two hairdryers in the getting ready area of the women's locker room. One of which is broken. I cannot understand why a gym with that many frickin' members can't afford a couple of decent hairdryers. Wouldn't you know that the only working hairdryer is already taken, because of all the people who have made a commitment of working out starting January 1st have been taking over everything even in the middle of the frickin morning. 

We'll call the lady at the hair dryer Jane and at the other end of the room Mary. Jane is bosshoggin' the hairdryer and Mary's hair is dry, so I begin my makeup process. No problem, I'll wait for Jane to finish. I'm slightly annoyed at the gym at this point, but that isn't Jane's fault that her hair is wet. Jane begins to dry her hair and all of a sudden Mary starts humming this falsetto tune of something that doesn't even come close to being recognizable. I began to wonder if Mary has a mental disorder that makes her have this knee jerk reaction to the sound of hairdryers. Perhaps the humming distracts herself from the scary loud noise. 

I stop mid make-upping to get a good look at Mary. She was all of about 5 feet tall and clearly is making good on her New Years Resolution of trying to get into shape and I'm happy that she is trying to get fit, but I just want to say to her to shut the hell up.

I have no idea why her humming was wanting me to pick up the hair dryer and knock her out with it, but it did. Wouldn't you know that as soon as Jane shut off the hairdryer there was no squeaky hum coming from Mary at all, thus proving my theory may be correct.

Jane was finished with the hairdryer and scooted down a couple of seats to plug in her flat iron, so I scooted to the chair where the hairdryer is located. Pulling out my brush, I glanced over at Mary, took a breath, and turned it on high. I had to strain to listen through the clogged ears and the whirring of the hairdryer, but Mary was definitely humming. 

My friend Ashley's father used to take us to school and he would turn it to whatever station we wanted to hear. We would sing our little hearts out and he would smile and switch it off really fast, so there would only be the sound of our off key voices. This is what I wanted to do to Mary so frickin' badly and like a couple of times. I could not bring myself to do it and knew that I needed to get out of there fast, because I would resort to doing something really hateful. 

As I left the locker room, I saw someone else pick up the hairdryer. Hum hum hum...
This is a hairdryer that I may be investing in for the gym. 

Friday, January 9, 2009

Daddy Long Leg Lashes

Ladies. May I present to you the most amazing mascara ever, L'Oreal's Double Extend Tube Mascara. 
Typically, a two step process of mascara is a turn off simply because I'm lazy and don't like the extra effort.  However, this particular mascara is well worth the preparation. It is durable, can make your eye lashes touch the top of your head, and has a little extra surprise.

First step is putting on the primer, which is white and you may think that this is making you look a little like Powder. Let me suggest to you that it is crucial during step one to consider how long you want your tubes to extend your lashes. If you want them to scrape your sunglasses, then wait until the first layer is dry and reapply the primer. 

Second step, is the typical mascara side and you just make sure you darken all the white spider legs you've just created. 

Now I must tell you that this stuff has super powers. It does not smudge and doesn't even come off with eye make-up remover. It is like cement on your eyelids, but comes with with warm water. 

Warning: You remember all those spider legs that we just talked about? Well, once that warm water hits it literally looks like millions of spider legs on your face and all over your hands. I freaked out the first time: one because it wouldn't come off with eye makeup remover and it clearly is eye makeup and two "WHATTHEHELL! MY EYELASHES ARE FALLING OUT!" 

I recommended this to my friend Ashley and deliberately did not tell her how the tubes dislodge from one's eye lashes. I just knew this would be a possible deal breaker as she is neurotic about so many things. She claims she can't wait to wash her face, because that was her favorite part. 

Okay, now check out the difference between my right and left eye. Eh? What did I tell you?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

10 Things I learned from my trip to Michigan

1. 15 hour long drive with my father and two-year-old son is too long. You can catch up in about an hour.
2. That GOD for portable DVD players.
3. People who live in the snow belt should wax in that environment, because the day you shave your legs and go out in the cold the leg hair will shoot back out like Wolverine's bone claws.
4. There isn't much to do when you are trapped in doors and now realize why alcoholism is rampant in the snow belt.
5. Sarcasm and dry humor is genetic.
6. Thank God I live in the South and do not have to shovel a driveway, have my car rust out because of salted roads, and snow is an anomaly and a blessing from God that awards us with a day off from work.
7. You do not go to Detroit.
8. How to play Euchre. It is a fun card game.
9. Rednecks exist outside of the South they just sound have different accents.
10. I have an accent? No, you have an accent. Nu-uh, you have an accent. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Reflection on a drive from last years holidays

Last year we decided to go to the Lights of the South with two other families. Boden was one and really not interested and Brian was 37 and not really interested. 

We decided we would torture ourselves by meeting at McDonald's before going to BFE to see some rednecks' Christmas light hobby, because we just love the echo of children's screams in the indoor playground. 

On the drive to McDonald's, Brian was in the front passenger seat talking to his buddy, Murph on the cellphone. It was cold out, but for some reason my window was cracked. This was very bad for me, because all of a sudden there is this thud at my window and something brushes against my hair and face. WTF! Did some redneck through something out of their window and it hit me! I had this feeling that there was something in my car and not only was it in my car, but it was resting in between my legs. Brian was chatting away as I timidly reached up to turn on the interior lights. My one-year-old precious boy was sweetly sitting in the backseat, so remember that as I tell you what was lying in between my legs. So, the light goes on and I look down. GASP! and a huge inhale of trying to compose myself. 

I looked over at my husband who is talking golf to his bestfriend, "Brian!"

"Oh, hold on Murph. Dear, open your window."

Frantically, I open my window and I don't know what to do with my hands. I'm driving my family, so I have to have at least one hand on the wheel and one to reach for hand sanitizer to slather all over my whole being. 

"Yeah, okay I'm back. A bat flew into the car."

And there I was left to deal with my own horror while Brian went back chatting and Boden is oblivious. That thing touched my hair and face! It was in my lap! WTF! 

Would you want this in your lap?!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Kitchen Nuggets

I pondered the thought of what to blog about on my way to and from Michigan. Lest me remind you it was a 15 + hour travel time in the car with my Dad and two-year-old son. They both did remarkably well. My son, who has never been in the car that long and my dad, who hasn't had that much alone time with me in about 16 years. We are all survivors.

So, I bought a small business magazine that included an interesting article about blogging. Before my SAHM days, I designed Kitchens and Bathrooms. I'm not going to discuss why I'm no longer designing, however, my love for design still exists. I will now add Kitchen Nuggets and I'll try to do it weekly. The kitchen is the heart of the home and always will be. It is the room that sells the house. It is the room where people will gather. It is the room that makes the meal. 

This kitchen from Cottage Living has great working design. The working area of the kitchen: cooktop, fridge, double ovens, and sink are separated by the island. This means that kitchen visitors won't be in your way while you are still preparing the evening's meal. The designer also makes great use of the back of the working island by adding display. I love love love the drawers on base cabinets. Once you have all drawers on your base cabinets it is hard to not have that convenience in your new kitchen.

Although the space is efficiently spaced, there are some things that I would have done differently. Look at the beautiful glass tile. Love me some glass tile and this tile coordinates nicely with the wall paint and the cabinetry, which is a juxtaposition of pastel and earth tones. However, I'm not quite sure why it doesn't go all the way over to the corner. I think they were trying to line it up with the corner of the base cabinets. I know the tile is pricey, but finish the run. Once my eyes fixated on the tile abnormality, I realized that the cabinet doesn't extend to the corner either. Most people want ample storage, so I'm a bit confused by this one area of the kitchen.

I would also urge the designer to switch the positions of the refrigerator and the double ovens for a couple of reasons. I'm not a triangle designer. I design in zones: cooking zone, cleaning zone, and food storage zone. Moving the fridge keeps people out of your working areas and makes it more accessible to those who should remain out of the working areas makes sense to me. Having the double ovens closer to the range keeps the cooking zone closer. Most kitchens would have a pantry of some sort, so moving the fridge may also position the food storage together.

I really like the full overlay Shaker door style of the cabinets. The Shaker door is not overly ornate and has clean lines, so it is a good choice for a cottage styled kitchen and can fit in a modern kitchen also.

It may be the way it is photographed, but the stain looks really bad. If you are considering a less expensive wood like maple or birch, sometimes the darker stains do not stain evenly. You can really see it on the working island where the electrical outlet is. More than likely, this is a poorly stained wood veneer. Cherry would have been a better choice, but more expensive and looking at the tile, well...