Phobias

Why oh why is this happening to toilet paper holders everywhere or am I the only person on the face of the Earth who chances upon the empty roll? I am beginning to believe that there is a phobia which exists in some people who actually fear taking the empty toilet paper roll off the holder and replacing with another. This is also the case with paper towels. I have purposefully purchased a similar holder to the photo, so that it is an easy slide off the hook type of holder rather than the old school "the spring inside may be so strong that the holder will spring apart and land into the toilet" kind of which I can understand slightly being gun shy of changing the toilet paper. The latter scenario has happened to me and yet I still change the roll.

17 Weeks - Pomegranate

This week my baby is the size of a pomegranate. The site I usually check out is compares the baby's weight to a turnip. This was not appetizing, so after some more research and the endless food/fetus comparisons I found something sweeter and chock full of antioxidants. Ooh, I feel younger already.

Everything is good with the exception of the baby and my growing uterus is moving all my innards out of the way causing some uncomfortable plumbing issues. The belly continues its growth and just north the girls are trying to keep up as well, which is not all that disappointing to my hubby. 

The baby has already decided to make me aware of its bodily invasion. Funny, I do not remember around which week I felt Boden move. It seems weird to barely be showing, but have gymnastics practice in my uterus. I'm just hoping this isn't going to get too abusive toward the end. 

There are some other symptoms of pregnancy that manifest, but aren't long lasting. One of these, for me are foot cramps. The kind where you get into bed and your toe twitches at first. The next thing you know you have severe pain and your toes move to this gnarled position that you have to pry into it's normal form. I'm not sure if this is common for other pregnant women, but for me it is a nightly jump out of bed and put pressure on your jacked up foot until the pain goes away.

 

Another crazy symptom that I would like to bitch... ur... describe again has to do with the super strength nose. Pregnant women may suffer from sinusitis. This is because her blood volume doubles and for some reason it makes your sinuses dry out and I mean crusty stalactites in your nose. I've also noticed that this may be the only time in my life that I have discovered what the inside of my nose smells like.

The Masters Tuna-mint

This is the week of the Masters Tournament of which some pronounce, God knows why, as tuna-mint. If you talk about any other tournament it isn't pronounced this way and may confuse the masses of golf fans who flock to this... tuna-mint.

A friend has a great website dedicated to all the cultural aspects of our beloved Augusta and I invite you to take a gander at www.parisofthesouth.com.

15 Weeks

My little Apple has grown to the size of an avocado this week. I don't think I'm going to dub the baby, Avocado. It just doesn't sounds "wholesome" and "sweet" like Apple, nor does it roll off the tongue easily.

It is widely known that pregnant women have super powers: super bitchy, super hair and nail growth, and a extremely sensitive nose. These powers are not necessarily benefits, but more of a curse such as a girlfriend of mine who was primping in the bathroom mirror as her husband came in to pee. She said she stopped and asked, "did you have Fruitloops for breakfast?" "Yeah." he replied with a blank look. It isn't the best novelty type of ability. I can only imagine later on, "can you guess what I had for lunch?"

I want to hit on the super smell. Boden is rewarded for good behavior at school with a Dum Dum sucker. The other day he received the butterscotch flavor. I'm not a huge fan and after I tell you this you may begin to think twice about it. This particular sucker smells like feet. Now, either you are saying ewe that's gross and I'm never going to eat that or you have just taken off your socks and are breathing in the butterscotchy aroma of your tootsies. Maybe you are doing both. This will now give men the excuse to say that their sticky feet smells like candy. No, there is just candy that smells like feet. Yuck.

15 Weeks

Did you know that in your 14th week the baby is the size of a lemon and then the baby becomes the size of an apple in your 15th week? Hmm, could this be where Gwyneth Paltrow conjured up her daughter's name in a hormone induced moment? "Awe, my little baby, Apple."

This brings me to another subject that just chaps my ass. Have you ever noticed that when a celebrity child is mentioned on the internet or in a magazine, the first AND middle name is printed? Why? Do you really think Britney is going to say, "Jayden James, bring mama her Marlboros." I'm pretty sure she just calls him by his first name. 

Officially, I have made it out of bitchymester, which is the first trimester of pregnancy. I do have my moments of low tolerance, but mostly I am feeling pretty good. Talking to one of my friends, they told me that is sounded like I just smoked a joint. This early phase of second trimester is tricky with the clothes. It is the "is she fat or pregnant" phase. 

The other question people ask is "what are you having?" My favorite response is, "a baby." I smile innocently when I say it and wait. I did this to a random customer in my former place of employment. He was a bit confused and I was extremely amused. I really wanted to walk away and leave him alone to figure out that I was just a sarcastic pregnant woman, but I thought better of it and laughed (at him). 

To answer the question, my husband and I agreed to wait to find out the sex of our first baby and we'll do the same with this one. Trust me it is extremely difficult to be mid sonogram and have the technician ask if I wanted to know the sex of the baby. ".......... (long pause) ah......... (I could keep it a secret from EVERYONE)............. no." Scouring the inner depths of my brain to devise a question to ask her that would shed light on what the sex of the baby is without her knowing what my motive was. "Do you advise pee pee teepees?" (No, I did not make that up and yes, that is what they are called. Google it.)

Laying out with Boden

It was such a beautiful day that I decided to slather on baby oil and layout with a book on a sheet a' la 1982 when it was okay to use baby oil and sheets are big enough to encompass any position. (Do not tell my mother.) 

This is my conversation highlight with Boden.

Boden audibly rips one.

Mommy: Boden, did you toot?

Boden: Ah, yeah. (pause) Where do toots come from?

Mommy: From your butt.

Boden: You know that's right, Mommy.

I have no idea where he get's it, but it is soooo amusing.

To pee or not to pee

Boden is potty training. He is lazy and not at all motivated by M&Ms, which are his reward for initiating the process and my reward for being his mother. 

This morning I woke him up, took off his sleeping diaper (or whatever it is that costs more money, but is supposed to be for night time, but not a diaper that looks and acts like a diaper), and proceeded to the bathroom.

I seriously wished I had a camera in hand to take a picture of him wearing his footie pajama's only he had his arms in and they were fully unzipped with the legs trailing behind him like a cape. Boden was not happy being forced to disrobe in the cool of the morning and forced to walk to the potty. He voiced his contempt.

We walked into the bathroom and about a foot short of the potty the fire hose let loose on my foot, the bathroom rug, and the bathroom floor with such a force that I screamed, so not the way I want to start my morning. Boden stood with a look that had a mix of relief (it was a lot of pee) and shock of his ability.

I deserve M&Ms.